‘Wearing the wrong hat can really ruin your day’ – Big
Attish-OW!
In what seems to be an evolving pattern of daily stupid moments, today is no different.
It’s a bit difficult to describe, but basically I’ve had a cold for the last day or two. When you have a cold, obviously you sneeze and blow your nose a lot?
Sneezing as I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, involves a lot of tensing up. So, here it is, today I blew my nose, and straight away I sneezed. As I tensed up, my head was propelled forward and I nutted the edge of the bathroom door.
S’not funny!
High Street confusion
It just occured to me how confusing a visit to the great British High Street has become.
For example, whilst Staples clearly do sell staples; do Selfriges sell fridges? I don’t think they do, – do they?
Do Bacon’s sell sausages? No, not a pork pie in sight.
O2 don’t sell fresh air, and Boots don’t even sell shoe polish.
I would have thought PC World might sell Squad cars, truncheons and copper’s notebooks – but no.
My heart begins to pound as I walk straight past SuperDrug, not for me thank you very much.
Next door is Max Speilmann who sounds like he talks too much.
Yet I hesitate to turn to the internet because confused .com sounds like they’re just as confused as me. Whilst Go compare sounds like they’re telling me to do the work myself. So forget that too.
I’m so confused. I mean, what’s going on?
Lamb (sic) Kebab RIP
Last night, for hopefully the last time, I ate a Lamb (sic) Kebab.
This morning I feel even more dull witted than usual, as if I ever thought it possible? I’m blaming the Kebab because my stomach tells me so.
So, into the kitchen bin of life goes ‘Doner-meat and chips’ along with its processed chums ‘Garlic Mayo’ and ‘Sweet Chilli sauce’. Yeuk!
Let them rot in peace on the land-fill tip of eternity. In life it never had any nourishment value, in composted death it might give a Seagull (I call them ‘Tip-gulls’) even more to belly ache about.
Long live the Written Word!
I have a smartphone and I really do like it. It’s actually quite a smart phone – smart in the American sence of the word, in that some of it’s features have improved my ability to communicate with others. So that’s lovely jubbly.
Frustratingly though, I do struggle with the pokey little screen and its miniscule text. I’m sure anyone younger than me would be well able to view the miniature technological marvel, but I have to squint to see it.
Therefore I have dusted off my trusty old Filofax and begun to write notes again. I’d forgotten what a joy it is to write extravagantly large and scrawly, free-flowing notes on crisp white paper – and in a tiny fraction of the time it takes to make an entry in my smartphone using that silly little tippy-tappy, virtual querty-keyboard.
So, the two will live cheek by jowl – I love ’em both.
A Big Mac is so McYummy!
You may recall I mentioned that we love McDonalds, and that having tried every menu variant McDonalds have to offer – I now order a Big Mac Meal with a Latte on every occasion since none of the other McBurgers cut-the-mustard, as it were.
We’ll call by for either a McBreakfast, a McLunch or a McSupper, depending on the time of day. There’s no such thing as a McDinner by the way, because there isn’t enough McNourishment to sustain an adult – even in a lettuce and gerkin laden Big Mac.
And we always eat-in rather than joining the interminable McDrive-thru. My experience is that the restaurant McQueue is much faster every time. Perhaps I should keep quiet about my observations so we get our McMeals McServed McFaster.
Welcome to Andy’s Jolly Rants!
I’m glad you finally showed up, so – welcome, and please don’t leave it so long next time.
Mamma Mia!
Is it over? Yes, it’s the 31st of December, hurray – Christmas is done and dusted.
Wasn’t it a tv nightmare of romantic movies? If you ask me, films like Mamma Mia, Titanic, Notting Hill, Three Weddings and a Funeral etc, you know – the ones the girls rave about; let’s face it – they’re girls films. Romantic drivel, with normally sane male actors making foppish fools of themselves.
‘Have you watched Mamma Mia?’ she’ll ask. ‘No Love I haven’t, and I don’t want to either’. ‘Oh dear’, she says, wide eyed and incredulous. ‘Go on, watch it, it’s a wonderful film, lots of lovely songs and stuff…’ you really should watch it, it’s wonderful. Go on, go on, go on, go on, wassa-marra-wivv-ya?
‘I just don’t want to Love’.
‘But you’re really missing a treat, you really should watch it. Go-waaaan!
‘Gerroff!!! Leave me alone.’
‘Oooooh, don’t get shirty, I’m only telling you it’s a good film. You men, you’re all the same, can’t tell you anything without you getting all huffy’
Why is it that women find it impossible to accept that as a bloke, I really don’t want to watch movies like Mamma Mia, Titanic and the like?
Girly movies?, (I hear you lads cry) Ahem, well that’s different…. Why don’t they put a few of them on next Christmas?
Christmas time
Here it comes.. it’s nearly here.
Hold your breath, close your eyes tight.
Hopefully it will be gone before you know it.
The Number-plate Game
We spend lots of time sitting in traffic queue’s these days, so in the tradition of ‘i-Spy’ games to pass the time, I invented the ‘Pronounce-the-Number-plate-Game’.
For example, VE59 XPH might be pronounced ‘Vessgerexpeeahce’, and WF60 ZQI could be ‘Wuffgoszhki’.
Other classics during our last trip to Wales were ML39 PJU Muleg Pujoo, BN54 MDB Bunsa Mudub, SL71 BRG Sluttibrug and lets not forget the unforgettable – YS49 YYO Yussag Yuyo.
What, a Knighthood? If you insist Ma’am.
Andy's Jolly Rants. 